I seem to have fallen into somewhat of a pattern where my romantic life – or lack thereof – is concerned. It goes something like this:
Feel a bit lonely, think it would be nice to have one of those man shaped things in my life.
Join a dating site.
OH NO, THE MENZ ARE TALKING TO ME!
Immediately close browser in fear and only log on again to cancel the account.
Feel a bit lonely.
Join a dating site.
ARGH, THE MENZ, THE MENZ!
Leave dating site. Again.
Repeat ad nauseum.
Even the good messages turn me into a basket case. No, especially the good ones. I had a really funny, intelligent message from one guy, who I actually found quite attractive and I took so long to reply that by the time I went to send it (drafted offline of course, in case The Men saw I was online) he’d quit the site.
The furthest down the communication line I’ve got is to swap mobile numbers with one man, who turned out to be a bit weird. Which will serve me right for being superficial as I thought he was boring all along but he was quite hot(/adept at picking flattering pictures). Every time he text me, instead of feeling excited I felt almost put out. Mildly cross at being obligated to reply. I remember lying in bed reading at 8 o’clock on a Wednesday and thinking, “do I really want to give this up?” And if you find reading alone in bed more exciting than even communicating with a man, let alone going out with them, he’s definitely not the man for you.
After that realisation I left my account active but I didn’t even log on for window shopping until recently, when a colleague signed up too and we start chatting about meeting boys and finding speed dating to go to. She made interacting with the opposite sex sound fun and not terrifying so I started to be a little more proactive. There were two men I was encouraged/gently bullied to contact so I did and a couple more that I built up the courage to send messages to without coaxing.
And not a single one has replied. Cue major crisis of self confidence. I’m obviously either boring and/or hideous. There’s no other explanation for it. It couldn’t possibly be that I’m just not their type or they’re not really feeling the online dating thing. No no, I’m a repulsive dullard. Obviously.
I’m not even sure why it bothered me so much. If any of them had actually replied I haven’t got time to go on dates because I’m marathon training. Almost all my weekday evenings are taken up with runs and then the weekend is carefully orchestrated around The Long Run. Shoehorning a man into it just isn’t going to work. (That I say stuff like that just goes to show how likely it is that my independent streak is going to lead to me dying alone.) Yet, bother me I did. I won’t initiate contact anymore and it’s only really sontarans or men who look like they’re melting who start conversations with me. So I think it’s probably time to cancel the account.
Now, where do I get a cat?